Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
