It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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