mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
