Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize