Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
