i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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