I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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