i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
