Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
