I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
