If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize