Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
