I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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