When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
