i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
