im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
