Ambien. No doubt about it.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
