Plan B is the new Plan A
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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