How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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