Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
