It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
