Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
