god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
