god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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