Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize