That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
