M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
