How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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