Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
When are your genitals available?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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