I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want her autograph on my taint
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm really busy with my period
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