so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
a search helicopter?!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
