I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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