Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
