About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize