It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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