did you get engaged???
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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