Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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