I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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