Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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