its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
