you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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