i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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