I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
