If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
