ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
