Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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