the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize