im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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