There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm both gender and math confused
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
