I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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