I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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