they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
