He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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