i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize