You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
