So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
