he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
