i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
