booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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