My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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