Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
50% drunk capacity currently
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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