I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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