i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
